Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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