im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
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