Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
