OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Randomize
