Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
