Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
