I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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