I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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