You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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