I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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