Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
