He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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