He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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