I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
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He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
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hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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