I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
