Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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