the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Randomize
