well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
