he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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