One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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