dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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