My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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