so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your shirt... Was in my pants
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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