so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
