Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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