You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Randomize
