I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
