this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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