There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Randomize
