Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
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