can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
