my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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