I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm getting married
To pizza
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
