Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
