Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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