in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
