Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
