listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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