Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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