The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
