why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
