So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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