just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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