So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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