just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I want her autograph on my taint
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
