she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
