Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize