I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
