If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
