Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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