I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
