Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
