Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
