omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
