I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
