btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
